Send Funnies to me if you want them added
It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten.
You put him off for awhile searching for an excuse, but
he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if
you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had
more experience, but it's the first time his finger has
found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver;
your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him
he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes
you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease
entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he
slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain
as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel
the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and
you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He
looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.
Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake you head and
nod for him to go on. He begins moving in and out with
skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few frenzied moments, you feel something bursting
within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting,
glad to have it over.
He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a
chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most
rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist.
After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Naughty, Naughty!
What were you thinkin'?
PERVERT I know what you were thinking!
Submitted By: Mr Ross Roberts!
Subject: A find for the Smithsonian
the story behind this... There's this nutball who digs things
out his back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian
Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they
are actual archeological finds. The really weird thing about these
letters is that this guy really exists and does this in his spare time!
Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Sir:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled
"211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull."
We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and
regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it
represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in
Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that
what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety
one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the
"Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of
thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite
certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in
the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings.
However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes
of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern
origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains
are typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9
cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest
identified proto-hominids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more
consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the
"ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the
wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one
of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your
history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh
rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail,
let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll
that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your
request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due
to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and
partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of
recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie
dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely
to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny
your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's
Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen
the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking
personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your
proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the
species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound
like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this
fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a
hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example
of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so
effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a
special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens
you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire
staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your
digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We
eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you
proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the
Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing
you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating
fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes
the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently
discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears
Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Submitted By: Mr Ross Roberts!
THE LAST 10 THINGS ANY MAN WOULD EVER SAY...
10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
9. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Her tits are just too big.
6. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a stiffy.
4. Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.
3. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I
can hold your purse.
2. Fuck the cricket, let's watch Casablanca.
1. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask directions.
THE LAST 10 THINGS ANY WOMAN WOULD EVER SAY...
10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just
being friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche
that way.
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6. Please don't throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the
armpit are just too cute.
5. This diamond is way too big.
4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to
swallow.
3. Wow, it really is 14 inches.
2. Does this make my butt look too small?
1. I'm wrong, you must be right again.
There is a lesson in this for all of us, no-one likes a hairy
butts.
Submitted By: Mr Ross Roberts!
Yet another telling insight into the differences between men and women
The Perfect Day According To :
HER
8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 pounds lighter on the scale
9:30 Light breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex - notice she’s gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms
HIM
10:00 Wake up
10:02 Oral sex
10:10 Big Breakfast
11:30 Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
2:15 Enormous lunch
3:15 Oral sex
3:25 Play sports with the guys
4:30 Drink beer with the guys
6:30 Meet Claudia Schiffer
6:40 Oral sex
6:50 Huge dinner, more beer
11:00 Full on, get down, gorilla sex
11:10 Sleep
Submitted By: Mr Ross Roberts!
The Woman's Guide to What a Man is Really Saying...
---------------------------------------------------
"I'm hungry." = "I'm hungry."
"I'm sleepy." = "I'm sleepy."
"I'm tired." = "I'm tired."
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = "I'd eventually like to have sex with you."
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = "I'd eventually like to have sex with you."
"Can I call you sometime?" = "I'd eventually like to have sex with you."
"May I have this dance?" = "I'd eventually like to have sex with you."
"Nice dress!" = "Nice cleavage!"
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = "I want to fondle you."
"What's wrong?" = "What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?"
"What's wrong?" = "I guess sex tonight is out of the question. "
"I'm bored." = "Do you want to have sex?"
"I love you." = "Let's have sex now."
"I love you, too." = "Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now! "
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = "I liked it better before."
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = "$50 and it doesn't look that much different!"
"Will you marry me?" = "I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys."
"I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = "I am gay."
Submitted By: Mr Ross Roberts!
SEMINARS FOR WOMEN (Prepared and presented by men)
1. Are You Ready To Leave?: The Meaning Of YES!
2. Inappropriate Rhetorical Questions (formerly titled "Honey, Do I Look
Fat?")
3. Elementary Map Reading
4. Crying And Law Enforcement
5. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR
6. You CAN Go Shopping For Less Than 4 Hours
7. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End Of The World: A Study In Contrast
8. The Seven-Outfit Week
9. PMS: It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine (formerly "It's Happened Monthly
Since Puberty, Deal With It")
10. Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmissions
11. Driving II: The Meaning Of Blinking Blue Lights
12. Driving III: Approximating A Constant Speed
13. Driving IV: Makeup And Driving: Oil And Water
14. The Super Bowl: Not Just A Game, But A Sacrament
15. Telephone Translations (formerly titled "Me Too Equals I Love You")
16. How To Earn Your Own Money
17. Gift-giving Fundamentals (formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics
Good")
18. Putting The Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy Is On Your Side
19. Know When To Say When: The Limits Of Makeup
20. Beyond "Clean And Dirty": The Nuances Of Wearable Laundry
21. We Forget Birthdays, You Forget Sports Stats: LET'S DROP IT
22. MYOB: Proper Response To Other Couple's Public Arguments
23. Yes, You Can Buy Condoms (formerly titled "WE Learned To Deal With The
Embarrassment")
24. Joys Of The Remote Control: Reaping The Benefits Of 69 Channels
25. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card Is Not A Toy
26. The Penis: His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too
27. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out
28. Commitment Schmittment (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock")
29. To Honour And Obey: Remembering The Small Print Above "I Do"
30. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House
31. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, Or Victimised Sensitive Man?
Please sign up early. Seats are very limited.
Submitted By: Mr Ross Roberts!
FROM: Women
Dear Men,
A new two year degree is being offered at LIFE UNIVERSITY that many of you
should be interested in: BECOMING A REAL MAN. That's right, in just six
quarters you, too, can become a real man. Please take a moment to look
over the program outline.
FIRST YEAR
Fall:
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You Too Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas
Winter:
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding The Female Response To Getting In At 4 a.m.
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End With Conception
MEN 113 Get A Life, Learn To Cook
Spring:
MEN 120 How NOT To Act Like An Asshole When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, The Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons To Give Flowers
SECOND YEAR
Fall:
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take A Shower
SEX 103 How To Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201 How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
Winter:
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be A Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Russell Wong - Especially Naked
Spring:
MEN 220 Omitting @#%^^&*! From Your Vocabulary
MEN 221 Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask For Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes Of Begging Is Not Considered Foreplay
Submitted By: Mr Ross Roberts!
here is a billion sexiest jokes if there’s lots of women in your office you'll like these
>...
>
>
> Facts About Men
>
> What do you call a man with half a brain?
> Gifted.
>
> What's the difference between government
> bonds and men?
> Bonds Mature.
>
> What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
>
> One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the
> other is a fish.
>
> What did god say after creating man? I can
> do better.
>
>
> Husband: Want a quickie?
> Wife: As opposed to what?
>
> Why do men want to marry virgins?
> They can't stand criticism.
>
> What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
>
> A man's undivided attention.
>
> Because you don't know when he's coming, how
> many inches you'll get, or how long it'll last.
>
> Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?
>
> He knows first-hand the penalty for early
> withdrawal.
>
> Why are men like laxatives?
> They irritate the shit out of you.
>
> What do you call an intelligent man in America?
> A tourist.
>
> If men got pregnant....abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive through
> windows.
>
>
> Because they want to be on a first-name
> basis with the person who makes all their decisions.
>
> Why do men like masturbation?
>
It's sex with someone they love.
>
> 144 men in one room.
>
> Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it?
>
> Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
>
> What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
> The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
>
>
A padded headboard.
>
>
> Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
>
>
> No matter what mood they're in, they can still get a floppy in.
>
>
> How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?
>
Four. One to actually change it, and 3 friends to brag to about how he screwed it.
>
Submitted By: Miss Angela Tunley!
>>>
>>>THREE GUYS ARE OUT HAVING A RELAXING DAY FISHING.
>>>OUT OF THE BLUE, THEY
>>>CATCH A MERMAID WHO BEGS TO BE SET FREE IN RETURN
>>>FOR GRANTING EACH OF
>>>THEM A
>>>WISH.
>>>
>>>NOW ONE OF THE GUYS JUST DOESN'T BELIEVE IT, AND
>>>SAYS: "OK, IF YOU CAN
>>>REALLY GRANT WISHES, THEN DOUBLE MY IQ." THE
>>>MERMAID SAYS: "DONE."
>>> SUDDENLY, THE GUY RECITED FLAWLESS SHAKESPEARE
>>>FOLLOWED BY A SHORT PAUSE
>>>AND
>>>AN EXTREMELY INSIGHTFULL ANALYSIS OF IT.
>>> THE SECOND GUY IS SO AMAZED HE SAYS TO THE
>>>MERMAID: "HEY, TRIPLE MY IQ."
>>> THE MERMAID SAYS: "DONE." THE GUY BEGINS SPOUTING
>>>OUT ALL THE
>>>MATHEMATICAL
>>>SOLUTIONS TO PROBLEMS THAT HAVE STUMPED
>>>SCIENTISTS OF THE VARYING FIELDS:
>>>PHYSICS, CHEMISTRY, ASTRONOMY, ETC.
>>>
>>>THE LAST GUY IS SO ENTHRALLED WITH THE CHANGES IN
>>>HIS FRIENDS, THAT HE
>>>SAYS
>>>TO THE MERMAID: "QUINTUPLE MY IQ." THE MERMAID
>>>LOOKS AT HIM AND SAYS: "YOU
>>>KNOW, I NORMALLY DON'T TRY TO CHANGE PEOPLE'S MINDS
>>>WHEN THEY MAKE A
>>>WISH,
>>>BUT I REALLY WISH YOU'D RECONSIDER."
>>>
>>>THE GUY SAYS: "NOPE, I WANT YOU TO INCREASE MY IQ
>>>TIMES FIVE, AND IF YOU
>>>DON'T DO IT, I WON'T SET YOU FREE." "PLEASE," SAYS THE
>>>MERMAID, "YOU
>>>DON'T
>>>KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ASKING...IT'LL CHANGE YOUR ENTIRE
>>>VIEW OF THE UNIVERSE.
>>> WON'T U ASK FOR SOMETHING ELSE... A MILLION DOLLARS,
>>>ANYTHING?"
>>>
>>>BUT NO MATTER WHAT THE MERMAID SAID, THE GUY
>>>INSISTED ON HAVING HIS IQ
>>>INCREASED BY FIVE TIMES ITS USUAL POWER. SO THE
>>>MERMAID SIGHED AND SAID:
>>> "DONE."
>>>
>>>AND HE BECAME A WOMAN.
>>>
Submitted By: Mr Ross Roberts!
Colin is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one
for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has
to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her
parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside
waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't
say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about
doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to
speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it.
Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying
a
word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his
girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her
parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously
livid,
and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table
and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad
is
boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is
complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud
clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle.
He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his
girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams,
"OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE BLOODY DISHES!!"
Submitted By: Mr Ross Roberts!
> A true story:
> A thermodynamics professor had written a take-home exam for
> his graduate students. It had one question:
> "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with
> a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
> using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote
> the following:
>
> "First, we postulate that if souls exist, they must have
> some mass. If
> they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what
> rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving?
> I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it
> will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
> "As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different
> religions that
> exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you
> are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since
> there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong
> to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all
> souls go to hell.
> "With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the
> number of
> souls in hell to increase exponentially.
> "Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell.
> Boyle's Law
> states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to
> stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to
> stay constant.
>
> "#1 So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate
> at which
> souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will
> increase until all hell breaks loose.
> "#2 Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than
> the increase
> of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until
> hell freezes over.
>
> "So which is it? If we accept the postulate given me by
> Theresa Banyan
> during Freshman year, and take into account the fact that I still
> have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2
> cannot be true, and hell is exothermic."
>
> This student got the only A.
>
Submitted By: Mr Ross Roberts!
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers
journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by
attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by
insightful witnesses:
From a little book called "Disorder in the Court." They're things
people actually said in court, word for word.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the
voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue
lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't
you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law
somewhere.
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
Here are some classic Court transcripts, all recorded by the keeper
of the word in various parts of the world...
LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina
show?
WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
LAWYER: Male semen?
WITNESS: That's the only kind I know of.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what
did you observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the
hospital.
LAWYER: It was covered?
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were
removed and put on top of my head.
CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: That's right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: "Repeat it".
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."
CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the
truth and..."
WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."
CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".
WITNESS: Okay.
(Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You're confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
WITNESS: Is that all?
CLERK: Yes.
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
WITNESS: What?
CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.
CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But",
"The", "Truth".
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.
LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the
farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck
pond?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
WITNESS: I did. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
WITNESS: I saw George.
LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
LAWYER: His "thing"?
WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.
LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you
were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
WITNESS: Of course I did!
LAWYER: What did you say to him?
WITNESS: "Morning, George."
Things kids actually wrote, given to me by a teacher (therefore true??):
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of
creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was
called Joan of Ark.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by
night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had
trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to
stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in
Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the
Magna Carta.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others
before they do one to you.
He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the
tombstone off the entrance.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is
another name for marriage.
A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
Submitted By: Mr Ross Roberts!
Our Beer,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk,
I will be drunk,
At home as it is in the local,
Forgive us this day our daily spillage,
As we forgive those who spillest against us.
And lead us not into the practice of poncey wine tasting,
And deliver us fom alco-pops,
For mine is the bitter,
the ale and the lager,
For ever and ever,
BARMEN
Submitted By: Miss Angela Tunley!
>>How do you know if you're in love, in lust, or just married?
>>
>>LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room
>>LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room
>>MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in crowded room
>>
>>
>>LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love"
>>LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing"
>>MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?
>>
>>
>>LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have
>>LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot
>>MARRIAGE - When you argue over money
>>
>>
>>LOVE - When you share everything you own
>>LUST - When you steal everything they own
>>MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything
>>
>>
>>LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax
>>LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax
>>MARRIAGE - What's a climax?
>>
>>
>>LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi"
>>LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room
>>MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch
>>
>>
>>LOVE - When you write poems about your partner
>>LUST - When all you write is your phone number
>>MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks
>>
>>
>>LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings
>>LUST - When you couldn't give a shit
>>MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV
>>
>>
>>LOVE - When your farewell is "I love you, darling"
>>LUST - When your farewell is "So, same time next week?"
>>MARRIAGE - When your farewell is a relief
>>
>>
>>LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner
>>LUST - When you only see each other naked
>>MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake
>>
>>
>>LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see them
>>LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them
>>MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them
>>
>>LOVE - When nobody else matters
>>LUST - When nobody else knows
>>MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows
>>
>>
>>LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel
>>LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it
>>MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio
>>
>>
>>LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about
>>LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about
>>MARRIAGE - When just getting through today is your only thought
>>
>>
>>LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner
>>LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner
>>MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score
>>
>>
Submitted By: Miss Angela Tunley!
THE 10 THINGS YOU THINK YOU CAN DO WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK
* But, Trust Us, You Can't
1) Pull any woman in the room.
2) Beat any man in the room in a fight.
3) Do the Lambada.
4) Have a coherent, in-depth discussion about politics, the trouble
with women, the England football manager, etc.
5) Stop dual-carriageway traffic just by holding you hand up.
6) Persuade 24-hour shop owners to sell you alcohol after 11pm.
7) Evade apprehension by officers of the law.
8) Fall down three flights of stairs without hurting yourself.
9) Do an impression of Riverdance on a narrow windows ledge five
stories above the street.
10) Find your house.
11)Use your key in the door you have found.
(p.s. I don't know why there is 11!!!!!)
Submitted By: Miss Angela Tunley!
At the 1997 World Women's Conference the first speaker from England
stood up:"At last years' conference we spoke about being more assertive
with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my
husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do
it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I
saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a
wonderful roast lamb." The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up:"After last years' conference I
went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and
that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing.
After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that
he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well." The crowd
cheered.
The third speaker from Australia stood up:"After last years' conference
I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping
and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw
nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I
could see a little bit out of my left eye."
Submitted By: Miss Angela Tunley!
Some jokes to go Aussie Bashing with...
What's the difference between Aussies and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into Aussies when they drink.
What's the difference between an Australian and a computer?
You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Why was the Christ child not born in Australia?
You'd have a job finding three wise men, much less a virgin!!!
What do you call a field full of Australians?
A vacant lot.
Most Australians aren't too good at history. For example, they think
Gandhi's first name was Goosey Goosey.
How do you define 144 Australians?
Gross stupidity.
The Aussie pilot, when asked for his height and position, replied, "I'm
5'11" and sitting in the front seat."
What do you call an Aussie who scores well in an IQ test?
A cheat.
What do you call an Aussie with half a brain?
Gifted
If Santa Claus, a smart Aussie and a dumb blonde were in a room, and you
tossed in a hundred dollar note, who would grab it first? The blonde -
the other two don't exist.
How many Aussies does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
Ten. One to make the batter, and nine to peel the Smarties.
What should you do if an Aussie throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
Did you hear about the Aussie who had a brain transplant?
The brain rejected him a week later.
What's the difference between yoghurt and Australians?
At least yoghurt starts with a little culture.
What does an Australian girl use for protection during sex?
A bus shelter.
There's a Japanese firm that has developed a camera with a shutter speed
so fast it can actually catch an Aussie with his mouth shut
Submitted By: Miss Angela Tunley!
Di
Microsoft has decided to rename "Windows 98" to "Windows Diana" :
It is superficially attractive
Impossible to live with
Consumes masses of resources
Then it crashes.
Submitted By: Miss Angela Tunley!
Guaranteed to offend somebody...
Yesterday, scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small
traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed
that 100% of them lost all sense of reasoning, started talking nonsense,
and couldn't drive.
Submitted By: Miss Angela Tunley!
THINGS TO PONDER.......
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is
no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating
an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone
will clean them?
>>>>If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
>>>>
>>>>If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Submitted By: Miss Cathy Wood